On Happiness.

It's hard for me to be happy.  This might sound strange given the fact that most of the time when people see me I am a generally happy person.  I am.  It just takes a lot of energy for me to keep it together.   For the past few years I've been using food as the thing that keeps me together.  Someone pisses me off, go get a burger.  Have a rough day and don't feel like cooking- go get takeout.  It's the easy way to deal with things.  I've been working on fixing this.  I've been working on fixing -me- so that I don't have this issue anymore.  Being 27 with a home and 2 children, I've come to realize that there are things that I found myself worrying about doing or not doing and so instead of fixing it, I'd just have anxiety over it and nothing would change.  For example-cleaning the house perfectly every day.  I'd think about how much work I had to do to clean, and instead of cleaning I'd find myself stressing over it and then not doing it, having bursts of energy here or there.  Now, I've kind of found this zen and realized... I'm not going to clean every day.  I'm going to straighten up here and there, and I'm not going to get upset if there are dishes in my sink.  I've taken this relaxed attitude about it and it turns out now I find my house cleaner once I started telling myself that I'm not going to be this super neat freak that is expected of me.  I'm stressing less and being more productive.

I've been evaluating people in my life.  I've told myself that if someone wants to hang out with me, they'll talk to me.  There were a few friends I found myself chasing.  Inviting to do things and either getting no answer, or a yes and a no-show with little to no explanation.  Friends that would go out and never call to ask if I was interested in going too.  I'm 27.  I'm too old to be worrying about whether people really like me or not.  I don't really care if you like me at this point.  I mean, the more people that do, that's awesome.  If you don't though, I really can't help you.  If someone wants to matter in my life, they will, because they'll actually be a friend.

One person I've recently cut out is my own mother.  This was an insanely hard thing for me to do since for most of my life I counted on her opinion to make any decision for myself.  She'll swear up and down that I never listen to her, but she doesn't realize that despite any protest I've ever given her, she always got her way in the end.  About 90% of the time, I'd give up my own opinion about anything and just go with what she said.  I stopped doing this, and of course the fighting started.  I became independent.  I stopped looking for her approval and lived my life.  I stopped caring if she didn't like something.  Her opinion became so imposing that she just became rude.  She'd walk into my home and tell me I was disgusting because there were shoes under the hutch, or because I didn't wash the dishes.  She told my husband we were white trash because we didn't get landscaping in front of our house (something we couldn't afford at the time).  She'd constantly tell me I was fat. Any compliment she'd give anyone in my household would be, "This is great, BUT--"  She has no idea how to have a nice conversation.  So, I call her out.  I tell her that if she wants to have a relationship with my family and I that she has to be nice.  She has to respect me.  She can't be a jerk every time she talks to us because I can't handle it anymore.  It's hard enough for me to keep it together, I don't need that.  


She tells me to stop blaming her for things... I have no idea what.  She says that we can be happy when I stop blaming her... There's nothing to blame her for.  I'm pretty damn awesome.  I had self esteem problems which I did blame her for, but unlike her yelling at me to this day about things I did when I was fifteen years old, I drop it after a few years.  I've got two wonderful kids, a nice home, I'm writing, I've got fantastic friends, a loving husband.  I've got a great life.  What is there to blame her for other than the aggravation I get when she needlessly insults me?   I can't blame someone for doing what they think is right.  I genuinely think that my mother doesn't really know what she's doing is wrong.  It's just who she is.  I can't blame her for that.  I also can't idly sit by and take the abuse.  She's got to open her eyes, and that's all there is to it.  And I'll be happy when and if she ever realizes what she's doing.  The whole thing is almost as bad as a husband saying to his wife, "I beat you because I love you."  Things will never work that way.

I must say though, I feel that this argument with her has made me a better parent myself.  I go back and think about all of the things that went wrong with me and I'm applying what would have made things better with my own children.  It makes me want to be closer to them and help them become strong, independent women.  I started this by letting Madison design her own bedroom.  A small and seemingly insignificant thing, but it's something I never got to do as a child/teen.  She got to pick out her bedding, the color of her walls.  She's going to go shopping with me to find pictures to put on her wall.  I'm giving her a choice.  I never once picked my own bedroom wall color until I painted my bedroom in this house a month ago.

I want to be happy.  I don't want a day to be difficult to get through.  I mean- if we only live once, don't we want it to be nice?  I realized I spent more time being upset and worrying about people or things that in the end didn't really matter.  The less I worry about those things, the more productive I actually am.  I've started working out again, writing, cleaning with little to no effort, having more fun with my kids and husband.  Remove the stress, remove the difficulty.

Post.

I haven't posted in awhile and apparently

Feelings of failure.

There are some things that you should just -do- for your children, I always thought.  One was breastfeeding.  I swore up and down that I was going to keep doing it and do it forever.  I had it in my mind that I wouldn't stop until AT LEAST 9 months like I did with Madison, but I'd try for longer.  Honestly it's not the lack of time or anything that stopped me, but Lily's GER and the fact that I have to pump to feed her.  I was fine doing this, sitting hooked up to my contraption, but for whatever reason my production went way down and now I'm squeezing 7oz out a day when one feeding is 4-5.  I've tried my damn hardest to be consistant with it, bringing my pump with me where I go.  I went out and bought a ton of extra attachments to make it easy so I wasn't washing the one set I had 6 or 7 times a day.  I had an elaborate organization system for bottles to make sure that there was a good rotation in my fridge.  But now I just can't produce.  And my nipples are killing me from hooking myself up to the damn pump for 20 minutes to get an ounce every hour, if I even get that much.  I've been eating oatmeal and maple syrup and anything I see on websites.  20 glasses of water a day.  I sat there crying last night to the sweet soothing sound of my pump going, nothing coming out.  I try  pumping and letting the baby cry since her cry used to make me leak everywhere.  Nothing.  It's just not working and I have this guilty feeling that just won't go away.  I'm almost crying now as I sit here and write this out.  And it's not like we don't have the money for formula... I just want my baby to have the best and I promised myself and her that she'd have it and I can't make it.  It's a feeling of failure.

Failure.

Busy busy busy.

Ugh- so I hate pumping milk to begin with, but Lily is so much happier when she drinks out of her podee sitting up and not laying down to breastfeed because of her acid reflux.  My milk production is also SUPER low since we've been supplementing with formula.  So, the time has come... I'm pumping exclusively.  No more  formula I hope at all.  Of course to get my production up again I'm going to be like a cow for the next few days constantly hooked up to the pump that one of the other pre-k mom's gave me.  Pumping is so MESSY.  Milk drips out all over you and blah blah.  I think I need to invest in one of the hands-free pump bras.  It's boring sitting there holding those things against your boobs.  At least I could go on the computer or something.

Madison has never been more adorable... and more of a pain in the ass at the same time.  She says the funniest things ever, yet doesn't stop talking ever.  Yesterday she walked around with my manual breast pump and started to pump things.  I think the best thing she decided she wanted to pump was putting it against Marco's crotch when he wasn't paying attention.  We both looked at what she was doing and were like, "NO SWEETIE THAT DOESN'T GO THERE."  She thought it was hilarious.  Then she moved on to trying to pump my butt.  Again, super hilarious to her... not so much to me.  She also has a habit of screaming bloody murder when she's afraid of something (like she did just now- a tissue landed on her shoulder somehow and she thuoght it was a bug and flipped out).

So, I glance over at Lily who started crying, then stopped.  Turns out she got that thumb in her mouth again and figured out how to self soothe.  I like this... partially.  Saves me money on binkies and I don't need to spaz out every time we can't find one for her.  On the downside, I remember how hard it was for my parents to get ME to stop sucking my thumb.  I can't chop off her thumb like how we just randomly one day said "ok no more binkies" to Madison.  Now I try and give a binkie to Lily and she just spits it out and puts that thumb in her mouth.  I don't know what the difference is... but ohh well.  It's a little amusing to see how upset she gets when she takes her hand out of her mouth.  Like she doesn't realize she can't move her arm or her soother will go away.  She puts her hand back by her mouth and seems to go, "OHH THERE IT IS I WONDERED WHERE YOU WENT!"

The end of the school year is coming up and it was a veeery busy year.  Being class mom with a new baby is -not- fun.  I'm managing to get everything I need to get done done though and there's only a week left.  We'll have much less to do after and hopefully I'll get more sleep...

Tired.

I don't know if I can really describe how tired I am.

Woo~

Going to be doing some blog revamping today.  Changing the look, name, etc...

Anyway- a few things have been going on.  

Madison... is completely insane, yet cute.  I can't really keep up with her anymore, especially with the little one now.  We're working on discipline... it's going... alright.  Apparently she's a little angel in school and listens and doesn't talk back.  It's a completely different story at home.  

I was supposed to take over as the grade parent for Madison's school, but this morning I went, "When is the last time I showered?"  If I can't remember how often I shower... or to even shower every day with how busy I am, how the hell am I planning a field day for 40 preschoolers?  Someone else is gunna have to take over.  I started writing this 4 hours ago.  I can't even write 2 paragraphs in a timely manner.  Planning a party?

Speaking of writing- I also have a "new job."  I haven't done it yet, but basically some guy wants some short stories for a magazine and is paying $100 per story if he uses them in the magazine.  I'm going to attempt to sit down and start one tonight.  

Now- on to Lily.  Lily has been diagnosed with GER.  It's basically horrible acid reflux.  I have to give her pepcid twice a day, keep her in an upright position, feed her for a shorter amount of time more times throughout the day.  I feel horrible for her since I know what it's like to have bad acid and she's so tiny!  She can't chew on some Tums and feel better.  :(