Feelings of failure.

There are some things that you should just -do- for your children, I always thought.  One was breastfeeding.  I swore up and down that I was going to keep doing it and do it forever.  I had it in my mind that I wouldn't stop until AT LEAST 9 months like I did with Madison, but I'd try for longer.  Honestly it's not the lack of time or anything that stopped me, but Lily's GER and the fact that I have to pump to feed her.  I was fine doing this, sitting hooked up to my contraption, but for whatever reason my production went way down and now I'm squeezing 7oz out a day when one feeding is 4-5.  I've tried my damn hardest to be consistant with it, bringing my pump with me where I go.  I went out and bought a ton of extra attachments to make it easy so I wasn't washing the one set I had 6 or 7 times a day.  I had an elaborate organization system for bottles to make sure that there was a good rotation in my fridge.  But now I just can't produce.  And my nipples are killing me from hooking myself up to the damn pump for 20 minutes to get an ounce every hour, if I even get that much.  I've been eating oatmeal and maple syrup and anything I see on websites.  20 glasses of water a day.  I sat there crying last night to the sweet soothing sound of my pump going, nothing coming out.  I try  pumping and letting the baby cry since her cry used to make me leak everywhere.  Nothing.  It's just not working and I have this guilty feeling that just won't go away.  I'm almost crying now as I sit here and write this out.  And it's not like we don't have the money for formula... I just want my baby to have the best and I promised myself and her that she'd have it and I can't make it.  It's a feeling of failure.

Failure.

Busy busy busy.

Ugh- so I hate pumping milk to begin with, but Lily is so much happier when she drinks out of her podee sitting up and not laying down to breastfeed because of her acid reflux.  My milk production is also SUPER low since we've been supplementing with formula.  So, the time has come... I'm pumping exclusively.  No more  formula I hope at all.  Of course to get my production up again I'm going to be like a cow for the next few days constantly hooked up to the pump that one of the other pre-k mom's gave me.  Pumping is so MESSY.  Milk drips out all over you and blah blah.  I think I need to invest in one of the hands-free pump bras.  It's boring sitting there holding those things against your boobs.  At least I could go on the computer or something.

Madison has never been more adorable... and more of a pain in the ass at the same time.  She says the funniest things ever, yet doesn't stop talking ever.  Yesterday she walked around with my manual breast pump and started to pump things.  I think the best thing she decided she wanted to pump was putting it against Marco's crotch when he wasn't paying attention.  We both looked at what she was doing and were like, "NO SWEETIE THAT DOESN'T GO THERE."  She thought it was hilarious.  Then she moved on to trying to pump my butt.  Again, super hilarious to her... not so much to me.  She also has a habit of screaming bloody murder when she's afraid of something (like she did just now- a tissue landed on her shoulder somehow and she thuoght it was a bug and flipped out).

So, I glance over at Lily who started crying, then stopped.  Turns out she got that thumb in her mouth again and figured out how to self soothe.  I like this... partially.  Saves me money on binkies and I don't need to spaz out every time we can't find one for her.  On the downside, I remember how hard it was for my parents to get ME to stop sucking my thumb.  I can't chop off her thumb like how we just randomly one day said "ok no more binkies" to Madison.  Now I try and give a binkie to Lily and she just spits it out and puts that thumb in her mouth.  I don't know what the difference is... but ohh well.  It's a little amusing to see how upset she gets when she takes her hand out of her mouth.  Like she doesn't realize she can't move her arm or her soother will go away.  She puts her hand back by her mouth and seems to go, "OHH THERE IT IS I WONDERED WHERE YOU WENT!"

The end of the school year is coming up and it was a veeery busy year.  Being class mom with a new baby is -not- fun.  I'm managing to get everything I need to get done done though and there's only a week left.  We'll have much less to do after and hopefully I'll get more sleep...