It's hard for me to be happy. This might sound strange given the fact that most of the time when people see me I am a generally happy person. I am. It just takes a lot of energy for me to keep it together. For the past few years I've been using food as the thing that keeps me together. Someone pisses me off, go get a burger. Have a rough day and don't feel like cooking- go get takeout. It's the easy way to deal with things. I've been working on fixing this. I've been working on fixing -me- so that I don't have this issue anymore. Being 27 with a home and 2 children, I've come to realize that there are things that I found myself worrying about doing or not doing and so instead of fixing it, I'd just have anxiety over it and nothing would change. For example-cleaning the house perfectly every day. I'd think about how much work I had to do to clean, and instead of cleaning I'd find myself stressing over it and then not doing it, having bursts of energy here or there. Now, I've kind of found this zen and realized... I'm not going to clean every day. I'm going to straighten up here and there, and I'm not going to get upset if there are dishes in my sink. I've taken this relaxed attitude about it and it turns out now I find my house cleaner once I started telling myself that I'm not going to be this super neat freak that is expected of me. I'm stressing less and being more productive.
I've been evaluating people in my life. I've told myself that if someone wants to hang out with me, they'll talk to me. There were a few friends I found myself chasing. Inviting to do things and either getting no answer, or a yes and a no-show with little to no explanation. Friends that would go out and never call to ask if I was interested in going too. I'm 27. I'm too old to be worrying about whether people really like me or not. I don't really care if you like me at this point. I mean, the more people that do, that's awesome. If you don't though, I really can't help you. If someone wants to matter in my life, they will, because they'll actually be a friend.
One person I've recently cut out is my own mother. This was an insanely hard thing for me to do since for most of my life I counted on her opinion to make any decision for myself. She'll swear up and down that I never listen to her, but she doesn't realize that despite any protest I've ever given her, she always got her way in the end. About 90% of the time, I'd give up my own opinion about anything and just go with what she said. I stopped doing this, and of course the fighting started. I became independent. I stopped looking for her approval and lived my life. I stopped caring if she didn't like something. Her opinion became so imposing that she just became rude. She'd walk into my home and tell me I was disgusting because there were shoes under the hutch, or because I didn't wash the dishes. She told my husband we were white trash because we didn't get landscaping in front of our house (something we couldn't afford at the time). She'd constantly tell me I was fat. Any compliment she'd give anyone in my household would be, "This is great, BUT--" She has no idea how to have a nice conversation. So, I call her out. I tell her that if she wants to have a relationship with my family and I that she has to be nice. She has to respect me. She can't be a jerk every time she talks to us because I can't handle it anymore. It's hard enough for me to keep it together, I don't need that.
She tells me to stop blaming her for things... I have no idea what. She says that we can be happy when I stop blaming her... There's nothing to blame her for. I'm pretty damn awesome. I had self esteem problems which I did blame her for, but unlike her yelling at me to this day about things I did when I was fifteen years old, I drop it after a few years. I've got two wonderful kids, a nice home, I'm writing, I've got fantastic friends, a loving husband. I've got a great life. What is there to blame her for other than the aggravation I get when she needlessly insults me? I can't blame someone for doing what they think is right. I genuinely think that my mother doesn't really know what she's doing is wrong. It's just who she is. I can't blame her for that. I also can't idly sit by and take the abuse. She's got to open her eyes, and that's all there is to it. And I'll be happy when and if she ever realizes what she's doing. The whole thing is almost as bad as a husband saying to his wife, "I beat you because I love you." Things will never work that way.
I must say though, I feel that this argument with her has made me a better parent myself. I go back and think about all of the things that went wrong with me and I'm applying what would have made things better with my own children. It makes me want to be closer to them and help them become strong, independent women. I started this by letting Madison design her own bedroom. A small and seemingly insignificant thing, but it's something I never got to do as a child/teen. She got to pick out her bedding, the color of her walls. She's going to go shopping with me to find pictures to put on her wall. I'm giving her a choice. I never once picked my own bedroom wall color until I painted my bedroom in this house a month ago.
I want to be happy. I don't want a day to be difficult to get through. I mean- if we only live once, don't we want it to be nice? I realized I spent more time being upset and worrying about people or things that in the end didn't really matter. The less I worry about those things, the more productive I actually am. I've started working out again, writing, cleaning with little to no effort, having more fun with my kids and husband. Remove the stress, remove the difficulty.
