On Happiness.

It's hard for me to be happy.  This might sound strange given the fact that most of the time when people see me I am a generally happy person.  I am.  It just takes a lot of energy for me to keep it together.   For the past few years I've been using food as the thing that keeps me together.  Someone pisses me off, go get a burger.  Have a rough day and don't feel like cooking- go get takeout.  It's the easy way to deal with things.  I've been working on fixing this.  I've been working on fixing -me- so that I don't have this issue anymore.  Being 27 with a home and 2 children, I've come to realize that there are things that I found myself worrying about doing or not doing and so instead of fixing it, I'd just have anxiety over it and nothing would change.  For example-cleaning the house perfectly every day.  I'd think about how much work I had to do to clean, and instead of cleaning I'd find myself stressing over it and then not doing it, having bursts of energy here or there.  Now, I've kind of found this zen and realized... I'm not going to clean every day.  I'm going to straighten up here and there, and I'm not going to get upset if there are dishes in my sink.  I've taken this relaxed attitude about it and it turns out now I find my house cleaner once I started telling myself that I'm not going to be this super neat freak that is expected of me.  I'm stressing less and being more productive.

I've been evaluating people in my life.  I've told myself that if someone wants to hang out with me, they'll talk to me.  There were a few friends I found myself chasing.  Inviting to do things and either getting no answer, or a yes and a no-show with little to no explanation.  Friends that would go out and never call to ask if I was interested in going too.  I'm 27.  I'm too old to be worrying about whether people really like me or not.  I don't really care if you like me at this point.  I mean, the more people that do, that's awesome.  If you don't though, I really can't help you.  If someone wants to matter in my life, they will, because they'll actually be a friend.

One person I've recently cut out is my own mother.  This was an insanely hard thing for me to do since for most of my life I counted on her opinion to make any decision for myself.  She'll swear up and down that I never listen to her, but she doesn't realize that despite any protest I've ever given her, she always got her way in the end.  About 90% of the time, I'd give up my own opinion about anything and just go with what she said.  I stopped doing this, and of course the fighting started.  I became independent.  I stopped looking for her approval and lived my life.  I stopped caring if she didn't like something.  Her opinion became so imposing that she just became rude.  She'd walk into my home and tell me I was disgusting because there were shoes under the hutch, or because I didn't wash the dishes.  She told my husband we were white trash because we didn't get landscaping in front of our house (something we couldn't afford at the time).  She'd constantly tell me I was fat. Any compliment she'd give anyone in my household would be, "This is great, BUT--"  She has no idea how to have a nice conversation.  So, I call her out.  I tell her that if she wants to have a relationship with my family and I that she has to be nice.  She has to respect me.  She can't be a jerk every time she talks to us because I can't handle it anymore.  It's hard enough for me to keep it together, I don't need that.  


She tells me to stop blaming her for things... I have no idea what.  She says that we can be happy when I stop blaming her... There's nothing to blame her for.  I'm pretty damn awesome.  I had self esteem problems which I did blame her for, but unlike her yelling at me to this day about things I did when I was fifteen years old, I drop it after a few years.  I've got two wonderful kids, a nice home, I'm writing, I've got fantastic friends, a loving husband.  I've got a great life.  What is there to blame her for other than the aggravation I get when she needlessly insults me?   I can't blame someone for doing what they think is right.  I genuinely think that my mother doesn't really know what she's doing is wrong.  It's just who she is.  I can't blame her for that.  I also can't idly sit by and take the abuse.  She's got to open her eyes, and that's all there is to it.  And I'll be happy when and if she ever realizes what she's doing.  The whole thing is almost as bad as a husband saying to his wife, "I beat you because I love you."  Things will never work that way.

I must say though, I feel that this argument with her has made me a better parent myself.  I go back and think about all of the things that went wrong with me and I'm applying what would have made things better with my own children.  It makes me want to be closer to them and help them become strong, independent women.  I started this by letting Madison design her own bedroom.  A small and seemingly insignificant thing, but it's something I never got to do as a child/teen.  She got to pick out her bedding, the color of her walls.  She's going to go shopping with me to find pictures to put on her wall.  I'm giving her a choice.  I never once picked my own bedroom wall color until I painted my bedroom in this house a month ago.

I want to be happy.  I don't want a day to be difficult to get through.  I mean- if we only live once, don't we want it to be nice?  I realized I spent more time being upset and worrying about people or things that in the end didn't really matter.  The less I worry about those things, the more productive I actually am.  I've started working out again, writing, cleaning with little to no effort, having more fun with my kids and husband.  Remove the stress, remove the difficulty.

Post.

I haven't posted in awhile and apparently

Feelings of failure.

There are some things that you should just -do- for your children, I always thought.  One was breastfeeding.  I swore up and down that I was going to keep doing it and do it forever.  I had it in my mind that I wouldn't stop until AT LEAST 9 months like I did with Madison, but I'd try for longer.  Honestly it's not the lack of time or anything that stopped me, but Lily's GER and the fact that I have to pump to feed her.  I was fine doing this, sitting hooked up to my contraption, but for whatever reason my production went way down and now I'm squeezing 7oz out a day when one feeding is 4-5.  I've tried my damn hardest to be consistant with it, bringing my pump with me where I go.  I went out and bought a ton of extra attachments to make it easy so I wasn't washing the one set I had 6 or 7 times a day.  I had an elaborate organization system for bottles to make sure that there was a good rotation in my fridge.  But now I just can't produce.  And my nipples are killing me from hooking myself up to the damn pump for 20 minutes to get an ounce every hour, if I even get that much.  I've been eating oatmeal and maple syrup and anything I see on websites.  20 glasses of water a day.  I sat there crying last night to the sweet soothing sound of my pump going, nothing coming out.  I try  pumping and letting the baby cry since her cry used to make me leak everywhere.  Nothing.  It's just not working and I have this guilty feeling that just won't go away.  I'm almost crying now as I sit here and write this out.  And it's not like we don't have the money for formula... I just want my baby to have the best and I promised myself and her that she'd have it and I can't make it.  It's a feeling of failure.

Failure.

Busy busy busy.

Ugh- so I hate pumping milk to begin with, but Lily is so much happier when she drinks out of her podee sitting up and not laying down to breastfeed because of her acid reflux.  My milk production is also SUPER low since we've been supplementing with formula.  So, the time has come... I'm pumping exclusively.  No more  formula I hope at all.  Of course to get my production up again I'm going to be like a cow for the next few days constantly hooked up to the pump that one of the other pre-k mom's gave me.  Pumping is so MESSY.  Milk drips out all over you and blah blah.  I think I need to invest in one of the hands-free pump bras.  It's boring sitting there holding those things against your boobs.  At least I could go on the computer or something.

Madison has never been more adorable... and more of a pain in the ass at the same time.  She says the funniest things ever, yet doesn't stop talking ever.  Yesterday she walked around with my manual breast pump and started to pump things.  I think the best thing she decided she wanted to pump was putting it against Marco's crotch when he wasn't paying attention.  We both looked at what she was doing and were like, "NO SWEETIE THAT DOESN'T GO THERE."  She thought it was hilarious.  Then she moved on to trying to pump my butt.  Again, super hilarious to her... not so much to me.  She also has a habit of screaming bloody murder when she's afraid of something (like she did just now- a tissue landed on her shoulder somehow and she thuoght it was a bug and flipped out).

So, I glance over at Lily who started crying, then stopped.  Turns out she got that thumb in her mouth again and figured out how to self soothe.  I like this... partially.  Saves me money on binkies and I don't need to spaz out every time we can't find one for her.  On the downside, I remember how hard it was for my parents to get ME to stop sucking my thumb.  I can't chop off her thumb like how we just randomly one day said "ok no more binkies" to Madison.  Now I try and give a binkie to Lily and she just spits it out and puts that thumb in her mouth.  I don't know what the difference is... but ohh well.  It's a little amusing to see how upset she gets when she takes her hand out of her mouth.  Like she doesn't realize she can't move her arm or her soother will go away.  She puts her hand back by her mouth and seems to go, "OHH THERE IT IS I WONDERED WHERE YOU WENT!"

The end of the school year is coming up and it was a veeery busy year.  Being class mom with a new baby is -not- fun.  I'm managing to get everything I need to get done done though and there's only a week left.  We'll have much less to do after and hopefully I'll get more sleep...

Tired.

I don't know if I can really describe how tired I am.

Woo~

Going to be doing some blog revamping today.  Changing the look, name, etc...

Anyway- a few things have been going on.  

Madison... is completely insane, yet cute.  I can't really keep up with her anymore, especially with the little one now.  We're working on discipline... it's going... alright.  Apparently she's a little angel in school and listens and doesn't talk back.  It's a completely different story at home.  

I was supposed to take over as the grade parent for Madison's school, but this morning I went, "When is the last time I showered?"  If I can't remember how often I shower... or to even shower every day with how busy I am, how the hell am I planning a field day for 40 preschoolers?  Someone else is gunna have to take over.  I started writing this 4 hours ago.  I can't even write 2 paragraphs in a timely manner.  Planning a party?

Speaking of writing- I also have a "new job."  I haven't done it yet, but basically some guy wants some short stories for a magazine and is paying $100 per story if he uses them in the magazine.  I'm going to attempt to sit down and start one tonight.  

Now- on to Lily.  Lily has been diagnosed with GER.  It's basically horrible acid reflux.  I have to give her pepcid twice a day, keep her in an upright position, feed her for a shorter amount of time more times throughout the day.  I feel horrible for her since I know what it's like to have bad acid and she's so tiny!  She can't chew on some Tums and feel better.  :(

Terrifying...

There's nothing more terrifying than watching your newborn gasp for breath, arch her back, eyes tearing, mouth drooling...

This happened last night while Mike and I were watching TV.  The "episode" stopped and she acted fine after, but I didn't really sleep last night.  We kept her sitting up in her swing just incase it did happen again so she didn't choke on anything.  We're bringing her to the doctor today.  After a lot of research,

Failure.

There's a first time for everything, even for failure... today I slept in and didn't make it on time to pick up Madison from school.  I came home with the baby, was watching some movie with that chick from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and next thing I know I open my eyes and it's 11:20... 5 minutes after she gets let out.  I somehow slept through three alarms (10:50, 11:00, 11:10), one text, two phone calls sitting straight up with the TV on six feet away from me.  Thankfully I live two seconds away from the school, so all together I only ended up being 7 minutes late... but still.  I felt absolutely horrible.  Feel... absolutely horrible.  And it's not that I haven't been sleeping... I was passed out at 9:30 last night.  The baby woke up for two feedings... at 12:30 and 2:30 and then slept until 7:30.  I can't really justify it... I just need to start brewing a pot of coffee in the morning I suppose.

Ch-ch-ch-ch- changes.

... I didn't really have any reason in particular for naming this entry what I have named it.  I just have that song in my head.  Although, I'm changing the title of my blog soon.  ... I just don't know to what.  Either way, I need to remove fish soon I think... he's not looking too hot.  :(

So.  What's the best invention ever?  The nipple shield.  I got so sore on my left side that I was pumping the left, feeding from the right and then doing a bottle.  Well, she got so pissed at my left side that she stopped nursing from it all together and so I had to KEEP pumping from it.  I got one of those nifty little shields from the store today and we're back to nursing on the left side.  It's making her lazy with latching, but it's better than pumping every time.  I went through hell to get Madison to nurse, so I guess I'm destined to have to try every trick in the book again.

I'm working little by little to make my house functional.  I tackled our bedroom and Mike's office yesterday.  The office is done.  The bedroom isn't.  I didn't realize how much stuff there was up there to organize.  I also didn't realize how big our attic is.  I could store so much more CRAP in there!  Thankfully I haven't found any more crap to put in there.  I'm relaxing today- my back is killing me, but I'm going to finish the bedroom tomorrow.  ... I hope.

You know what would be fantastic?  A nap.  I wanted to nap today while Madison was at school, but of course Lily was WIDE AWAKE.  The girl sleeps all the time, except during the one time during the day where I can nap.  I love how that works out.

I went to walmart today.  My first time in a store with both girls by myself.  It's amazing how small shopping carts seem to be when you've got a 3 1/2 year old and a huge carseat in one.  How do people do any sort of grocery shopping with two?  Sheesh.

Post #2 today-

A bit more awake.  I still haven't found my stoppers, but then again I haven't done much of anything yet today.  I have plans to start working on getting my bedroom organized since it's a disaster zone right now and I trip over everything in the middle of the night trying to move to feed the baby.  BUT- in my head I have lots of plans for lots of things now that I've got this baby out of me.

Our Summer Projects:

• The Outdoors: 
• Open up the bottom of the deck.  (It's currently a mosquito breeding ground.)
• Powerwash EVERYTHING.
• Get a new patio table (the one we have is tiny tiny.  Need a longer one.)
• Empty the front beds and put new stuff in there.
• Upstairs: 
• Paint Mike's office.  (It's painted chocolate chip mint green right now... it needs to be a manly color.  Or at least not -that- color.)
• Paint our bedroom.
• Get new bedroom furniture.  
• Downstairs: 
• Work on Madison's room.  
• Get new fridge.
• Redo dining room wall (Take pics down, spackle, repaint, put up a mirror)
• Get new living room furniture.
• Basement
• Get ORGANIZED.  (Madison's toys are everywhere.  It pains me to even go down there and look at it at the moment.)

That's the majority if the things I plan on accomplishing in the next... 2-3 months.  ... that's a lot of stuff.  I had a pretty stagnant few months though of doing little to nothing, so now I'm determined to be comfortable.  And- my hubby doesn't know, but I plan on starting the painting in my bedroom sometime this weekend.  ... and maybe even getting our new bed.  Our bed now is on the uneven side... metal base.  And when you walk, every once in awhile when you're not looking your leg will SLAM into the metal bar that sticks out from the bed and you get a big bruise.  Good stuff.  Good stuff.  Our mattress also dips down into the center, so Mike and I can't lie on the edges of the bed because we just roll down.  Hah.

Anyway.  If anything this list is more for me to remember what I wanted to accomplish since I'm sure I'll forget something down the line.  

Lily is doing alright.  She's got a clogged tear duct, but we got eyedrops for it.  It was getting infected, but the eyedrops are helping.  Her belly button was getting infected too, but the doctor fixed that up too.  She had a real bath today and did very well.

Madison's bored out of her skull today.  The weather isn't good at all, so we're just sitting here watching a movie.  It'll be even better when the one thing we do do today is go to the dentist.  She's not going to be appreciating the teeth cleaning.

And me... I'm a girl with lots of hopes and dreams, too tired to stand up from her sofa.  I've got a dream- I've got a dream- just to get my room so neat and clean~ !

... I'll do it later.

Frustration.

Despite the fact that it's 8am and I have myself and two children ready to leave the house, life is still frustrating for me at the moment.  I go into my kitchen, open my cabinets... and NOTHING is where it's supposed to be.  I love my husband and love the fact he was so helpful while I was in pain and did the laundry and the dishes.  It's just awful when nothing is in the right spot.

We got avent bottles for the baby.  They have little round stoppers that go up in the nipple to prevent them from leaking.  Six bottles.  Two we haven't used yet.  You use the bottle, the stopper is in there already.  Four washed bottles.  ONE STOPPER LEFT.  Three stoppers?  Gone.  Just gone.  Not in the dishwasher.  Not in the cabinets.  Not in the drawers.  Where.  Are.  My.  Stoppers?  I mean, yeah I can understand one being gone.  But 3/4 gone?  How does that happen?  Granted, I can buy new stoppers, but the damn stoppers are 3/$6.  The baby is two weeks old.  In two weeks we've somehow lost three stoppers.  And I mean, I put the stoppers in the sink with the bottles.  Where do they go?

And now it just occured to me during my rant about bottle stoppers that in my mass pile of laundry, I must attempt to find Madison a matching pair of socks.  I thought I was doing so well this morning...

Things I forgot about...

So, I'm feeding the baby and all of the sudden I glance at her belly button.  Her stump is gone!  ... it looks weird.  I mean, of course we cleaned it the best we could without pulling it off, but it's still got dried blood and what not around it when it comes off.  So- what do I do?  I get so dizzy that I can't even think of breast feeding her anymore (the idea of the initial latch was too painful at the moment).  I had to do a bottle.  I don't remember getting dizzy when I saw Madison's.  Maybe I'm just having an off day.  Maybe I need some protein.  A carnation instant breakfast drink is in my near future.

So, today is Easter and my amazing sister's birthday.  I am looking forward to doing my hair, putting on makeup, looking like a real girl again to go out to her house to have a little party.  I've actually lost over 25 pounds so far, so it feels fantastic to have most of my clothing be big on me.  That's a lot for just over a week.  At the beginning of my pregnancy when I was throwing up, I somehow gained 15 pounds.  My doctor said it was water weight from hormones that would just shed off after I had the baby.  Well, it's shedding and I'm not feeling slim yet, but I'm feeling MUCH better in my own skin.

I'm very upset that I didn't wake up this morning with Madison to watch her look for eggs.  The baby was up about... every 45 minutes last night to eat.  Mike let me sleep.  I guess I should be thankful since come Wednesday I won't really be able to sleep in anymore.  I was looking forward to taking Madison to school on Tuesday, but I think I might take advantage of being able to sleep in one last day and bring her on Wednesday.  Mike goes back to work.  I have no idea how I'll handle life with two children without him here, but I'm sure I'll manage.

Anyway- enough procrastination.  I have to get ready, make deviled eggs, bake brownies... and I've got 2 1/2 hours to do it all.  I'm sure I'll finish, but I haven't been all that productive since before Lily was born, haha.

My girls are perfect- others not so much.

Madison had her first session back at OT in the past two weeks and she was so excited to see Miss Alyssa.  Mike took her for the first time so he finally got to see the kinds of activities they work on with her and got some good pointers about what we can do at home to help her.  I usually get pointers too, but a lot of the time we end up talking about things like houses, engagements and babies, haha.  I guess girltalk takes over a lot of the time.  I'm going to be sad though when we don't go there anymore.  I was getting annoyed at the end of my pregnancy going there every week, but now that I'm not waddling I'd be much more tolerant.

Lily went to the doctor's today too.  The bad news is, she has a clogged tear duct.  The remedy for this is massaging it for 30 seconds a day and wiping some gook off of her eye every once in awhile.  The good news is that her jaundice is going away and I can continue to breast feed her!  This is good since it seems today breast feeding went much better and she's not ripping me apart anymore.

It seems that ever since Lily was born, and the more time I spend with her, Madison seems gigantic.  Mike was saying it's time for her to go out and get a job.  I'm of the mindset that she should at least be able to learn how to read first.  But really, her whole form is just so solid compared to the baby's.  Something like the way she feels in my arms has changed in the past week.  It's kind of bizarre.

I decided to invest in some new nursing tanks today.  I'm a fan of the nursing tank over the nursing bra mainly because when I lift my shirt up to breastfeed, I'm not exposing my stomach.  The tank has panels in it that let me whip one out and start to feed with little to no hassle.  The only annoying part about this is that like a sportsbra, the nursing tank has little ability to seperate the breasts so I always have one uniboob.  I bought two regular nursing bras though for outfits that require a certain look.

Anyway- on a different note... I'm going to rant for a little bit here.  I recently (this morning) dealt with a crazy person.  Do I love babies?  Of course I do.  Do I want to hug and kiss and love strangers babies just because they're so damn cute?  Of course.  Don't we all?  Now... since I've had major surgery, I've hardly had any visitors at my house that aren't related by blood like my mother, sister & crew, Mike's parents.  It was hard enough to get out of bed, let alone make myself look presentable to entertain company.  My closest friends that I talk to on a daily basis have only seen me once, let alone people that I was friends with for a few months back in freshman year of college.  Now, the girl was nice enough, but unfortunately for her she got in touch with me during a time in my life where I wasn't really open to making new friends.  I was eight months pregnant, nine months pregnant, tired, cranky, running around after a three year old, nesting like a madwoman, hormonal as hell.  I didn't want to go out or really do much entertaining in my house.  When someone you don't know that well comes over, you tend to feel you need to do more for them.  If my closest friends see me without a bra, I don't care.  I know them well enough to feel confident that they don't care if my breasts are down to my belly button.  Would she have cared?  Maybe not.  But it's also about feeling good about yourself and not wanting people to see you in a certain way.  In addition to this, she started facebook stalking me, calling me out if something I said slightly contradicted something I told her, friending my friends, friending their friends, asking my friends that she never had met to call her to chat on the phone in the middle of the night.  I tried hard to keep an open mind, hoping that maybe she was just anxious to make new friends and not crazy, invited her over a few times all of which she happened to be busy for.  Well, back to being home from the hospital.  She keeps asking me if I want company.  During the day, honestly... no.  I don't want company.  I'm half asleep, I'm a mess, I'm recovering from a major surgery which feels worst in the morning after being still all night and drugs wearing off.  Today she goes, "Want to hang out?"  I tell her that I need to bring both girls to doctor appointments (Madison had to go to OT, Lily to her pediatrician).  She answers me with a drama bomb, "I get it you don't want to be friends."  Normally I'd try and be nice and argue that that wasn't the case, that things are crazy right now, I had a particularly busy day scheduled, but I had a baby on my boob so I just told her I wasn't going to argue. I had major surgery a week ago, I have a new baby at home, I'm sorry that I didn't try harder to not hurt her feelings?  She continues to tell me I'm white trash, I live in a barn, I'm a c*** and I should piss off and lose her number.  Well, for how terrible I am she sure did go through great lengths to try and hang out with me.  I said good luck dealing with her crazy.  I mean, not once did she ever really say "congratulations on the new baby."  I posted a picture up on facebook and she says "I want to come over."  I get it, you want to come over.  I'll invite you over when I'm ready for company.  I really don't feel like exposing people I haven't really been great friends with in the past 8 years to my messy living room filled with laundry I have yet to fold, my boobs hanging out all the time, etc.  Am I being a bitch here?  I don't think I am.  I do feel bad though that it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  I admittedly had been annoyed with her over the little things, but today just proved that I wasn't wrong.  I tend to try and see the better in people and ignore the stuff that points to "CRAZY," in the end bring me much drama and heartache.  Even now after being called a white trash c*** I still feel bad that she was under the impression that I didn't want to be friends at all.  I mean, you can ask people.  I kept saying  I felt terrible that I hadn't put time aside to build on the friendship yet- I just wasn't in a time of my life to want to work at it, especially with all of the little things that flashed the warning sign.  I don't know why I'm writing this rant about it though.  This is just one of those things you keep thinking about for days if you don't talk about it.  I forgot how therapeutic blogging could be.

Well- there's a beetle in my house that needs to be let out of my house so Madison comes out from hiding under blankets scared of it.  I also need to figure out what to do about the ladybugs in my house.  I've been finding baby ladybugs all over the place.  They're going to grow up and infest my house.  Ladybugs are great and pretty on branches outside, but invading my home, dying all over my stuff?  No thanks.

1am.

I should be sleeping, but with all of the things added to my day, I like to take this time where both of my children sleep soundly to do something for myself.  Read webcomics, check my facebook and have a conversation with my husband that doesn't include the words, "my nipples are falling off" or "ooh she pooped again."  I have a huge pile of laundry and a pile of hangers next to me that looks like it might come alive and eat us whole, but I think I'll get to it tomorrow.

Lily's jaundice isn't really going away.  I've been worried, but we're going back to the doctor tomorrow to see what to do about it.  The fact that she was awake a lot more today was very uplifting.  Mike set up her little floor gym thing and she stared at the mobile on it like it was the coolest thing in the world when the lights and music were going.  She's been feeding well (for her, not so much for me- hah) and pooping... a lot.  I think she's getting better.  I may ask to get the blood tests done anyway though just to get a solid answer on how to proceed.  

I was reading another blog today about how someone's 2 year old was speaking so wonderfully in full sentences that were amazing beyond belief.  And in spanish no less when I'm sure the child can speak english too.  It really  makes me wonder what it's like to have a "normal" child who hits all of their developmental benchmarks at the appropriate time.  The struggle we've gone through with Madison to get her on the right track with her speech and her sensory issues has been a rollercoaster.  And we see improvement with her, but she's still not quite there yet.  I know how she struggles from living with it myself.  I just hope all of the extra help we get her actually helps and she has a much better experience with her education than I had growing up.   It also makes me wonder how Lily is going to turn out, if she'll be in the same boat.  She's lucky her father didn't have these problems.  She has a chance.  It makes me feel terrible for Madison, like I messed her up.  She's a little mini-me.  I suppose though I couldn't help who I was, and she can't help who she is.  We'll just do the best we can.

Ugh, just had a coughing fit and my incision is killing me now.  I've been feeling fine for the most part, even walked around babies r us for a bit today, but in the car on the way home I did something as simple as sneezing and was reminded that I had major surgery under a week ago.  There are pros and cons to c-sections, but I'm not sure what I would have rather done.  I must say though, as much as I hurt now, Lily does have a beautifully shaped perfect little head.  Her pediatrician raves about it, haha. Unfortunately though, I'm not moving from this sofa until my advil kicks in and I can walk.  ... which makes me want to write more, but I don't really have much else to say on this fine evening.  

And baby makes four.

Here the four of us in the hospital.  And now we're home!

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that we have more than one child now.  I mean, it's an easy concept.  There was one, now there are two.  It's just different.  I like it!

I keep trying to talk to Madison more.  I keep finding myself asking her, "Are you ok?"  "Do you like your sister?"  I'm afraid that eventually she's going to tell me something like, "Mom, you're neglecting me." or, "You like the baby more than you like me."  Both statements aren't true, but I do have to spend lots of time with the baby to feed her and whatnot.  Part of the reason I didn't want to breastfeed this time around, but I am anyway.  I can buy lots of toys with the money we'd save, hah.  It would be nice to split up that responsibility though.

Right now the baby is all Jaundice-y.  Apparently the baby doesn't like my blood type, so she's actually resisting my milk.  I'm still breast feeding, but we're also supplementing with formula too.  I suppose we'll find out on Monday where we go from here after we take her to the doctor's.

It's late- she was just fed and is now cleaned up and in her cradle.  I'm off to bed.  Best thing to do when she'll be waking me up in... 2-3 hours.  Ugh.

My last Dr. Appointment

So while I wait in the doctor's office I think, "Yes! My last appointment before I pop out a baby!" last night though, Mike goes, "This is the last Thursday you'll be pregnant ever." Then the baby started to kick as did my hormones and I got all upset. I can see why women have lots of babies. There I was, STILL pregnant (and trust me this pregnancy has been awful) and I already wanted to have yet another baby. I understand fully that this sounds crazy. This is why I sit and look at birth control pamphlets while writing this blog entry.

I've been in a nesting stage for... Weeks. Too damn tired to actually do the work though. I think doing my basement sucked the life out of me for the rest of the pregnancy. Doing what I can here and there. Mike's last day of work is today for over 2 weeks. We'll see how much cleaning he gets done though with Madison going "DADDY DADDY DADDY!!!"

Mmmm... Not much else to say. Madison is doing really well recently. I worry that in the end she's not going to want the baby around, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

*Notes added upon getting home-

I should note that this picture I linked here is a picture of Madison on April Fool's Day. They had to wear silly clothes to school, and so this is what she picked out. I have a feeling that this is what she'll be wearing to school next week when I'm not home to dress her in the morning. I'm going to have to pick out outfits in advance...

Haven't blogged in awhile.

So I took a big break from this, mostly because of the wonders of Facebook. Changing your status is just so much easier for people to get a quick glimpse into what you're thinking and feeling at the time without taking the time to write every little thing on your mind down. It's also easier for uploading photos since I can do that straight from my phone.

Although, I do find that it is a bit impersonal to keep my life on facebook. I look at the long detailed posts that I wrote about the beginning of our lives with Madison and I sort of miss having that personalization. So, here I am. Blogging. Partially inspired by finding a fantastic webcomic: Barely Listening

I'm currently eight months pregnant with baby number two. I've been spending way too much time doing things around the house and not nearly enough time on bedrest like my doctor told me, but if I don't get things done then nothing is really going to get done. Not that I can even get that much done with a basketball hanging off of my torso. Mike's been swamped at work with trying to manage a team and sell at the same time. Even today he's sick as a dog and he's in there getting things done. He claims that he is going to come home early, but he said that yesterday and he didn't get in until after 6. I'm really hoping that things calm down for him at some point.

Basically, so far this pregnancy has been fifty times worse than my pregnancy with Madison. Everything hurts, I'm tired constantly, I've had about two hundred different things happen to my body that I hate. On April 13th my misery will be over, but then I'll have an infant. Luckily, I love babies.

Madison's been doing well. She's been in pre-school and she loves it. She has so much fun there with her friends and everything with her has just been coming along so nicely.

Anyway- have to go pick her up from school now. Going to tweak the look of the blog a bit- it's a little outdated. In the meantime, watch this video. Get Happy!